Dear Subscribers, Dear Spugians,
I bet you’ve been wondering where the heck we went, and why your subscription money was being spent on the purchasing of donuts instead of this magazine’s publication, well, wonder no more. We’re here! For now… we’re back.
But what exactly did happen to Spugnacious? Linda from Missouri asked in her recent Letter to the Editor. Adding, You’re not publishing anything! I want my money back. Followed by, There’s a bug in my ear. It crawled into my eardrum while I was sleeping and all I can hear is tickety, tickety, tick. Followed by, Help!
Well, Linda (whom is Glinda from Missouri’s sister, whom is another writer of many letters to our esteemed Editor-in-Chief BB Haberdash. BB, a man whom, although rumors would have you believe otherwise, is not just a shell of a human being). Well, Linda, here’s what happened:
Like most magazines that sink into a clinical depression (like Vogue and Cosmo etcetera) we receded into a restless, self-loathing slumber. At times the sadness became so overwhelming, the pain so great, that we could not even reach for the donut box. Yes, Linda, in those darkening days we could not even bring ourselves to place a sugary confectionary treat against our chapped lips. Can you even imagine that?
Those were the darkest days of our magazines short history (except of course for that time our Editor-and-Chief BB Haberdash was accused of killing that Clown. Note: He has since been acquitted of the murder). “Dark days are those when a Donut cannot be lifted to ones lips.” This is our mantra, our truth, here at Spug. (Side note: We don’t cover real news. If you’re looking for real news try OK! Magazine.)
Somehow we survived the depression.
Somehow we’re back.
But how? Glinda, Linda’s sister wants to know. She also wrote us a letter.
Well, Glinda, here’s how we pulled ourselves up by the bootstraps, finagled our way out of the slippery underworld of a very minor, teensy depression.
We owe our way out of this donut-less haze, this incy-wincy sadness, to a cult leader named Bob. Yes, Glinda you’ll be pleased to know that Bob the cult leader saved us. Hearing we had stockpiles of subscribers’money lying around, Bob offered to help us find our way back to Donuts for only a mere donation to his Church of the Money Makers of only 200,000 dollars. His help cost Spugnacious every cent. But it was worth it because we recovered from what we now think might just have been laziness and not a depression at all.
So thanks, Bob. Shout out to Bob.
And so in a nutshell, in a peanut, in a shortening…
And, we’re broke.
So, please donate anything you can. Five hundred dollars, a million dollars, there is no donation too small, that is, unless that donation is under five hundred dollars.
BB Haberdash and Spug’s Editorial Team